The Hidden Cost of Working for a Narcissist Boss

No one warns you that working for a narcissistic boss can make you physically sick. Not metaphorically sick — but stomach-cramping, sleep-deprived, anxiety-ridden sick. They don’t tell you that you’ll start questioning your own memory, your competence, even your sanity. Or that your body will begin reacting before your mind can catch up. This is the hidden cost no one talks about.

No one ever tells you the cost of working for a narcissist, the toll it takes on your mind and body, the psychological damage it can create.

I’m naturally a pale person. I don’t tan, and I can never find makeup to suit my skin tone (a minor issue in the scheme of things). But last year, 2025, I was a shell of myself. I looked drawn, paler than normal, and frankly extremely unwell. My mind was a mess, was in complete over drive and would not switch off no matter how hard I tried. Food wouldn’t stay in my body. I reached a stage where I was afraid to leave the house unless I knew there were toilets wherever I was going and I needed to know exactly where they were before I even arrived.

They say the mind is more powerful than we give it credit for, and that the connection between the brain and the gut is real that they communicate constantly.

I can attest to that!

For the past year, I have worked under one of the most toxic narcissists I have ever encountered. My mind never stopped. It was in constant overdrive, replaying scenarios hundreds of times, day and night. I constantly thought that if I had done something differently, said something another way, I wouldn’t have been told I was wrong, that I heard things incorrectly, that I misunderstood.

This led me down a spiral of:
What is wrong with me?
Why do I feel so useless at work?

I began to hate going to work and I absolutely love my job. I help people in custody work through their criminogenic behaviours. It’s challenging and rewarding. Yet every morning I woke up and instantly my mind went to my work environment. I replayed the previous day and started stressing about the day ahead.

How little could I interact with my senior?
What version of her was I going to get today?
The nightmare?
Or the friendly best friend, laughing and taking a “genuine” interest in me?

That daily uncertainty led to stomach pain and urgent trips to the bathroom before I’d even left the house.

THE DROP

There is a pattern with narcissists.

First comes the belief that you’re succeeding, you feel capable, supported, wanted and valuable as an important member of the team.

Then, when you start becoming too much of your own person when your personality shows up in your work they drop you.

And the drop isn’t subtle.

It’s cold.
It’s critical.
It’s isolating.

They gaslight you.

I remember it often started with an email. Then she’d appear in my office, ready to challenge every word I said. She’d pull faces like I was speaking another language. After having a swipe at me, she’d leave and I’d sit there stunned, trying to jot down what had just happened so I could make sense of it later, also as I learned documenting the time of day so that I had evidence and a timeline of events

After that, I’d be ignored, snapped at, or gaslit while she laughed loudly with people she normally wouldn’t give a second breath to with an over-the-top, fake laugh designed to be heard and make me feel like I wasn’t part of the team.

If I spoke up, if I dared to have an opinion, I’d receive emails reminding me of her years of experience and degrees. I once questioned via email whether her feedback was personal or departmental. The response? A long-winded email about her qualifications, years in the role and how my questioning her ethics hurt her deeply and she was stunned that I would question such a thing.

I didn’t reply. I was mentally and physically exhausted.

Getting no reply, this infuriated her.

She stormed into my office with a face ready for battle, yet weirdly playing the victim at the same time. I would try explaining myself, be spoken over, she would listen but not really and I would receive a fake “I’ll be mindful moving forward,” and then be told again that I had misunderstood.

After these encounters, I often felt like I wanted to escape, or hit something, or explode.

My heart would race. My stomach would cramp so sharply it was unbearable. The bathroom became my safe space, the one place I could gather myself privately and adjust the mask of happiness before walking back out like nothing was wrong.

But you can only wear that mask for so long before you begin to unravel.

I’ve always been loyal to my workplaces sometimes to the cost of my mental health.

Yet this wasn’t my first experience.

The First Narcissist

I worked nearly eight years at a wholesale company. My boss seemed lovely at first.

After the honeymoon period, things changed, he became erratic. Expectations became impossible. Then it was my turn.

Apparently, I was:
Too honest.
Too abrupt.
Too real.
Not flattering enough to him, in other words I didn’t suck up and didn’t fawn over him.

Nothing I did was good enough.

I spiralled into obsessing over his approval, from a man who only signed my pay cheque and held no other value in my life.

My mental health deteriorated. I couldn’t sleep. My personal relationships suffered. I stopped CrossFit, which I used to do five times a week, it brought me no joy anymore. I didn’t want to be around people. I even became an angry person at the world; I was ready to take on anyone at any time.

I started drinking daily, not just one with dinner but a lot after work.

It wasn’t until a blood test forced me to severely cut back, that I realised how bad it had become.

I argued with loved ones. I distanced myself. I was constantly on edge.

After nearly eight years, I was given a written warning. Oddly, I felt relief. I knew his plan was to let me go. I even found my role advertised online in a part-time capacity, something I could have argued about I am sure with a lawyer when I was let go yet after years of psychological abuse I didn’t care anymore.

When I was finally dismissed, I drove away and burst into tears not from devastation, but from freedom.

The Pattern Repeats

My next role was in a fashion agency as an office manager.

Again, I was dazzled:
You have such a strong work history.
You’re amazing.
You have great ethics.

I was shown designs for new clothing lines, included to feel like I was already part of the team, offered chocolate from a constantly stocked cupboard with a winning smile and that was at the interview, and I was offered the job a few days later.

Red flags? Yes, looking back.
But I had bills, a mortgage and responsibilities.

Yet once again I felt the need of approval and friendship, and I didn’t have many female friends at the time.

For the first few months, everything was wonderful.

Then, at around six months, I was accused of deleting a large amount of sales orders something I never had touched, in fact I barely touched sales orders unless someone rang one through or I was converting it from an order to an invoice.

I was yelled at.
Verbally abused in front of the entire team.
Called useless and stupid.
Accused of sabotaging the business.

She then burst into tears dramatically, still yelling, claiming I was ruining her business. I soon learnt tears were her ammo and she could literally cry at the drop of a hat.

A month later, another staff member admitted fault. I received no apology.

Just: “Well, it wasn’t your fault this time.”

What This Does to You

So, what does this level of toxicity do to you?

What does it do to your nervous system? Your perception of reality? Your perception of yourself?

It breaks you down, it can destroy you as a person.

Your mind never stops. It’s like being an overthinker on steroids. Then comes the exhaustion not the “I need a nap” exhaustion, but a bone-deep fatigue you fight 24 hours a day from the moment you wake to the moment you go to sleep.

There are no breaks.
No weekends.
No holidays.

Your body pays too.

You’re scared to eat because the level of stress sends everything straight through you. You google symptoms endlessly. You search through misinformation from so-called experts. You look for anything that might help.

You play with addiction because you need relief.

Mine was alcohol in the past, not that I needed a drink as soon as I’d wake up or hide alcohol in random places but the I’m home from work I need a drink which then leads into a bottle or numerous cans of something. This time, I refused to go back there even though I was suffering and knew while alcohol is a depressant it would make me forget.

So, here is the question I’ve asked myself repeatedly:

How many of these so-called experts in their chosen field have ever gone through working with an extreme narcissist in the workplace, a real bully in grown up form who takes pleasure in messing with others wellbeing, lives, mental health all for their own form of gratification because they can control someone?

From what I have experienced over the past year, and this is my point of view, lots of people talk the talk yet have nothing to back it up and fighting it through work, while the brave choice, is a long, drawn-out process, with no help from HR. No boundaries are put in place to protect victims while they happily do what they can to support the perpetrator and try to ‘fix’ them but never actually do anything.

THOUGHT:

Narcissist

A professional liar

Emotional thief

World class victim when caught